Posts tagged love
Poems Can Blossom Truth Within Our Hearts

Good morning, good morning.

Outside, it’s traffic and crickets. I’m waiting to hear whether the owl will be back this morning - she was here on Friday, and instead of writing a post I got distracted by her. 

Well, by her and some old morning writes. I went looking for what I was saying here--to myself, to you--five years ago, or seven. That’s one thing about regular journaling--getting to look back, see what you were saying before, what you felt like before, what you’re struggling with that’s the same  and what is new — you get to see how far you’ve come. 

In my case, I got to look back on a relationship that felt unfixable at the time I was writing, one that felt like kudzu or like I was in the ocean at a rising tide stuck in seaweed. I spent so many years trying to communicate with someone who literally could not understand the things I was saying — and, let’s be honest, in the converse, I also couldn’t, it seems, understand the things he was saying. I could never quite understand what he wanted. And I kept trying, kept getting smaller, tightening myself up until I was knotted into a ball at the bottom of a bookbag, just a sticky thing with dust and hair and old gum wrappers stuck all over me. 

And then I got the idea that maybe , that maybe, I didn’t have to stay there. Maybe my job wasn’t to stay in this relationship until the end of my (or his) life. Maybe I didn’t have to walk a hundred miles on my knees, repenting. I only had to let the soft animal of my body love what it loved. And then poetry started to sneak in to the sides and corners and crevices of my skin, my psyche, touched the parched places inside me, the places that told me I had to stay, I had to keep working, I had to keep trying to be the right thing for this person. 

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manifesting pleasure in 2018

I (kind of shamefully) remember last year being the first time I realized that most New Year's Resolutions were largely absent of any sex or relationship goals.

When we think of the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions - weight loss, saving money, exercising more, maybe getting out of debt or resolving to focus more on one's health - we don't tend to immediately think of, "having more orgasms" or "prioritizing my romantic relationship" as worthwhile resolutions.

Hopefully, I'm going to change that.

And I get it, some people aren't into the whole "resolution thing" anyways... and I totes understand.  After all, research shows (btw, this admittedly isn't the gold-standard, double-blind, latitudinal, validated and generalizable type of studies I typically rely on, but it's something!) that only about 12 or so % of resolutions are kept throughout the year.  Not super promising!  Does that mean resolutions are a waste of time? 

I still don't think so.

Regardless of the "data," boiled down, resolutions create a sense of hopefulness!  They give us an idea of what in our world can change in order to increase our quality of life.  I'm down with that!  So even if you're pessimistic about resolutions, or haven't had much success keeping them in the past, I'm going to encourage you to give it another go.

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my 9 minute relationship hack

Want to start your day off feeling loved, cozy, and close to your boo?

Try my snuggle snooze trick!

Yes, yes, I know it's not necessarily recommended to hit the snooze button first thing in the morning when you want to feel alert and rejuvenated in the A.M.  But I've been practicing this relatively simple, not wildly time consuming routine for some time now, and honestly feel a difference in the way my day begins.

And y'all, I am NOT a morning person.  I've definitely gotten better at it, but it's taken practice.  And dedication.  And really being aware of tips and tactics that help -- like this one.

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what no one tells you about sex & love

If your upbringing was anything like mine, you didn't overtly learn much about sex and relationships while growing up.  You probably learned how to solve algebra equations, the conflicts that led up to World War II, and maybe acquired practical skills like how to sew a button or dice an onion.  While you may have gotten some biological background related to sexuality - such as an overview of reproductive anatomy and processes.  Maybe, just maybe, you had some sort of formal education related to sexual health and safety.  

More than likely, however, what you learned about sex and relationships came from more informal means.  You probably learned how to demonstrate love and manage conflicts (in either healthy or unhealthy ways... or somewhere in between) from watching relationship dynamics around you - your parents, family members, friends, or in the media.  I can almost guarantee that you received zero direct education from either school or caretakers about how to be a good lover.  How to provide sexual pleasure to someone else.  How to provide pleasure to yourself.  

While I would describe my own upbringing as fairly liberal, the only education I remember pointedly receiving prior to adulthood was about puberty and a very (VERY) strong message about avoiding pregnancy.  Coming from a single-parent household, it was instilled in me from a young age that I never needed to depend on anyone else, and that education and a career was more important than a romantic partnership.  I subconsciously watched those around me navigate relationships - for better or worse.  Sometimes I was able to process those things with a caretaker, sometimes I didn't.  

When I became a full-fledged adult (BARF) and started studying communication in college and later sexuality and relationship dynamics, I was finally able to connect scholarship, research and theory to real-life experiences.  

This may sound totally obvious, but ACTIVELY LEARNING ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS (through reading, activities, self-reflection, practice, etc.) completely changed the way in which I engage in sex and relationships.  

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how to identify your love style

One of my favoritest things to do is analyze relationships.  (Like, duh, right?  Why else would I have this job?)   But not in a super judgmental way.  Not in a way where I'm like picking apart other couples' dynamics to criticize.  Just the opposite, actually.  In the work that I do, in order to help individuals or couples through coaching, I need to be able to understand their relationship as comprehensively as possible, with limited interaction.  Because I'm not living in the relationship experience the same way members of a couple are, right?  I'm not there every day and every night, through every celebration and every conflict, through the daily mundane and the extraordinarily special moments like they are.  I need to be able to intake limited information, interpret it through a professional lens, and translate that interpretation back to my client in helpful and actionable ways. 

One of my all-time gold star, go-to, reliable and helpful AF frameworks to help me understand a relationship is Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love.  It's one of those "theories" that just ALWAYS.  MAKES.  SENSE to me.  It's so real!  Want me to prove it?  Let me explain, and then I'm 100% positive you'll be able to see how it applies to your own romantic relationships...

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