#askthesexpert: how can i make my girl squirt?
"how can I make my girl squirt?"
Ah. This is one of THE most popular questions that I get asked. So I'm glad it's finally time to tackle it here on the blog.
And tackle it we will! Female ejaculation (aka squirting) is a topic that often spawns debate and is constantly being updated by research. So I'll do my best to consider it from a variety of perspectives.
OK, so when we talk about squirting, we are usually talking about a gush of fluid spraying out of the vagina during orgasm (similar to the way a gush of fluid sprays out of the penis during orgasm). Here is what I first have to say about that before we get on to mechanics and strategy....
Firstly, the awareness of this squirting phenomenon has increased as access to porn (aka the interwebs) has increased. I won't go into this too much right now (but am squirming to write another blog post about it, so stay tuned), but to put it succinctly:
EVERYTHING YOU SEE IN PORN IS NOT REAL!!!
(other secrets regarding most porn include: no, she's not really cumming when her pussy is being jackhammered by a giant cock; anuses aren't naturally that pink and hairless; dicks aren't all that big, nor do they all stay hard that long)
Therefore, just because girls are squirting like geysers everywhere in a porn (one girl is squirting over here, now another is squirting over there! She's squirting right in front of me! SO MUCH SQUIRTING!), doesn't mean that's not just for show, a special effect if you will, a production technique. An unfortunate effect of the increase in access to porn is that it has modified our expectations of what sex is supposed to look like. The perception that squirting is part of a "normal" (ah! hate that word!!!) sex life is one of those misperceptions. So ladies, hear me when I say this:
It is OK if you're not squirting! You are normal! And beautiful! There is nothing wrong with you!
OK, the next myth I want to bust here (haha, "bust") is that ejaculation and orgasm are one in the same. NOT TRUE! They often (especially for men) happen concurrently, but not always. So, just because a woman does ejaculate (I promise to actually get to that in this post), does not mean she is having an orgasm. And yes, just because a man is ejaculating does not mean he's having an orgasm. And it works the other way around too - both women AND men can have an orgasm without ejaculation! While this is more often the experience of orgasm for women, men can also experience the sensation of orgasm without ejaculating - which can be confusing for them when it happens because it is not something most guys are aware of. So take note, dudes! (I actually have seen this happen IRL - the guy literally said, "what's wrong with me?" after it happened. So sad! Spread the knowledge, lovebugs!)
Further, we often believe that the amount of fluid defines the quality of the orgasm or pleasure. ALSO NOT A VALID ASSOCIATION! You might have a really pleasurable, really powerful cum - you know, the kind that leave you breathless; feeling drained, tired and depleted of energy; where all you want to do is melt into the bed (or couch or counter or floor or washing machine or whatever you were fucking on) and for someone to bring you a salami sandwich? (Is that just me?) You might have THAT type of orgasm, and minimal fluid. But there's something engrained in us to want to SEE our success - whether it be shooting a HUGE load or leaving a massive wet spot on the sheets. These visual signs are often seen as accomplishments. Bad news bears, they are not necessarily related to the level of pleasure. (moral of the story, ASK your partner - yay communication!)
OK, so here is where the debate begins. Some experts will say that not all women have the capacity to squirt, while others will say that every woman CAN, but it might take some training and practice. What do I think? I think there's no harm in a little experimentation. There are worse ways to spend a Thursday night than exploring yours or your lover's body in an attempt to find discover ways to make you feel good, right? Like, for example, you could have to babysit or something. Woof. Sign me up for the pleasure quest! However, I would never want anyone to feel like a squirting failure if, even after some attempt, they still haven't discovered their squirting capability. Focus on what feels good, not some bullshit expectation.
If you Google "squirting" you will also see some debate over the fluid that is ejaculated - is it pee? The idea of urinating during sex can cause some anxiety for women - if they allow themselves to squirt, does that mean they're peeing the bed or all over their lover? The (confusing) answer is: both yes and no. Females can ejaculate a milky white substance that kind of leaks out of the vagina. This fluid comes out of the Skene's glands and has a similar makeup to seminal fluid. On the other hand, fluid can also shoot out of the vulva through the urethra, and yup, it is mostly urine - though is often diluted and may or may not have a yellow color or urine-like scent. If the idea of releasing this fluid during sexytime is too uncomfortable for you, then don't try to squirt. Simple as that. If, however, you DGAF in the name of sexual pleasure, then read on, my friends.
While EVERY SINGLE WOMAN is different, and therefore will need something different than other women and maybe even something different with different partners / at different times during her menstrual cycle / at different ages / in different environments / at different stress levels / while on different diets / while wearing different underwear (you get the hint, right? female sexual arousal is soooooooooo varied), I will offer you some tactics that have been successful for others who have squirted and/or ejaculated.
1. try it by yourself
Especially if you're nervous about the whole "pee thing", masturbating your way to ejaculation gives you the ability to experience this type of sensation without having to perform for a partner or be concerned with their needs. Give yourself permission to be selfish here. If your solo practice works and you're able to achieve a squirt, you will then be able to communicate with your partner about what worked, rather than having them fumbling blindly with your lady bits.
2. focus on the g-spot
I know! I know! I'm totes overdue for a full post on the g-spot, but for now I'll keep it simple. The g-spot feels like a spongey area an inch or two inside the vagina toward the stomach (which is actually connected to the all-powerful clitoris, but we'll save that for the full post). Stimulating this area with a finger or internal toy - curved ones are best for g-spot stim! - on your own or with a penis during PVI (penile vaginal intercourse) WHILE ALSO stimulating the clitoris with a hand, mouth or toy - vibes and oscillators are helpful! - is often a strategy that squirters have found successful.
3. don't fight the pee feeling
Confession: I can't stop outloud singing this heading in Justin Timberlake voice via the "Can't Stop the Feeling!" tune.
But forreales, ya gotta just embrace it and let it happen. Because the g-spot lies right up against the bladder and the urethra, you're going to feel like you're going to pee. Also because you kinda are gonna pee. For many who squirt, that release is associated with a pleasurable rush that is very different than when you are legit peeing. It could be highly worth it if you just let go and let it happen.
4. put down a towel
I'm a big fan of easy cleanup. This is probably the #1 reason why I'm a staunch swallower. Yea sure it's hot to have my lover's gizz in my mouth and to be able to taste him and have him inside me and yadda yadda yadda but the truth is it's one less thing I have to clean up. Throwing a wet towel in the hamper is a hell of a lot easier than changing the sheets. And we have a feather bed - have you ever had to get one of those dry cleaned? No thank you. Towel it, kids.
(OK, I guess this would also lower some of the anxiety around the whole squirting ordeal, and as we already know anxiety can decrease our ability to orgasm, so there is also orgasm-increasing benefit to using a towel)
I know it's a bit intimate, but I would love love LOVE to hear from some of you about your squirting experience. As a vulva-owner or a partner, what has been your experience with squirting? How does it impact your sexytime?