lemme teach you how to speak the language of LOVE
Y'all, in case you aren't aware, I consider myself to be #wifeygoals.
And this may come as a surprise, but tbh I used to (ok, maybe still do, a little bit) aspire to be a housewife. Yes, yes, I've been a graduate student for like one million trillion years, which may sound silly for someone who ultimately wanted that MRS degree. Because, like, contingency plans, my peoples!
But seriously, I can't tell you the joy I get from like, grocery shopping. Or doing dishes! I like, LOVE chores, and would do them all day long if I had the time. I'm that weirdo who'd love to organize kitchen pantry, whip up homemade muffins on the reg, and essentially keep my casa Pinterest-worthy at all times.
Basically, I'm domestical as fuck.
But alas, I need to make some paper and be a responsible, contributing member of adult society. Oh yea! And change the world in a sex positive way.
All this being said, I practically GET OFF on doing domesticated things for the boo. I fold up ALL HIS LAUNDRY all cute and shit, and think to myself, "damn, he's gonna be so happy he doesn't have to do any of this himself." And I'm pretty sure once I organized his massive tie collection by color and occasion. Like, just waiting for him to revel at my work in appreciation.
Spoiler alert: the kid barely even notices any of it.
Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying he doesn't appreciate what I do. I know he does. But I ONLY know because I've been able to decode his love language. I stopped expecting him to speak in MY love language, and learned to speak in his.
Let me explain.
Just like spoken language, we all have a different ways in which we understand, interpret, and communicate love. If I speak Spanish, no matter how loud or frequently I'm telling someone I love how much I care about them, they're not going to understand it if they're only fluent in French.
Which is super sad when you think about it, because it means that there are folks out there in the world just SCREAMING love at the top of their figurative lungs and no one is receiving it. Or as love receivers, peeps might be out there shouting love at us and we're not "hearing" it. We could all be sitting here reveling in all of the love that's being thrown our way, but we're not! SO MUCH LOVE LOST!
So what to do?
Welp, I suggest becoming more fluent on the love languages of those you care most about. The homie who developed the love language framework (feel free to read his book about love languages if you wanna dive in deep! be forewarned, howeves, that it's super heterocentric and from a Christian viewpoint... but has some great value!) identified five separate love languages: words of affirmation, giving & receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. I'll briefly explain each one for ya....
- words of affirmation: folks that speak this love language love to give and receive compliments; will verbally express their love, appreciation or other feelings; likely enjoy hand-written notes, cards, letters or poetry; and may be especially appreciative of frequent texts with their lover, checking in throughout the day.
- giving & receiving gifts: don't confuse this love language with being materialistic! gift givers & receivers aren't necessarily focused on the value of gifts, but rather the thought behind them. see something at the store they might enjoy? pick it up! they're likely to create scrapbooks, collages or photo books to give to a loved one as a tangible collection of memories; peeps who speak this love language enjoy commemorative items and souvenirs; don't forget to get them a gift during a typical gift-giving occasion!
- physical touch: some of us are particularly skin hungry, and demonstrate caring and affection through not only intimate touch like in the bedroom, but also casual touch like a a hand on the leg or back, or grazing your arm when they laugh at a joke. folks who speak this love language appreciate close contact like holding hands or snuggling while binge-watching Netflix; may scoop their arm in yours during a car ride; enjoy a casual foot rub at the end of the work day; and feel secure by a outstretched hand or a light tap on the small of their back when walking through a crowd.
- quality time: be advised, quality time doesn't just mean TIME. it means dedicated, distraction-less time where they get from and give to you undivided attention. great ways to show someone who speaks this love language that you care may be by prioritizing and taking trips, vacations and private getaways; making advance plans to demonstrate that time spent together is a priority in your busy schedule; and when you are hanging out, definitely put your phone away and don't multitask! they crave intentional presence!
- acts of service: this love language is spoken by relieving your beloved of tasks or responsibilities - taking something off their plate. this is one of my natural love languages - which is why it was almost innate for me to do chores and whatnot for the boo so he wouldn't have to do those things on his own! other examples might include removing the snow from their car, picking up the bill at dinner, walking them to their car at the end of the night, or taking care of the kids so they can get a break.
After reading these definitions, you've probably got some ideas about what your own love language might be. But if you're personality-assessment nerd like myself, I recommend taking a love language assessment. It'll help you learn about yourself, which will then give you language to communicate with others how you'd like to be treated. (You don't want their efforts to go unnoticed, after all!)
It's also fun to have a partner or spouse take the assessment as well! If you know the love language they speak, you can concentrate your efforts in demonstrating your adoration through ways in which they'll feel and understand!