the elusive "say yes to sex" window of opportunity
come and gimme some of that yum yum chocolate chip
Let me describe a typical night for the boo and I to you....
Around 10pm or so, a mammoth brick of fatigue slams me over the head, and my entire body no longer comprehends adult-level functioning. I don't know about all of you, but once I get tired, I must IMMEDIATELY go to bed. Immediately. Done. Otherwise, anyone in my presence is subject to intolerable crankiness, flowing tears of irrational frustration, and merciless ridicule. My sleepiness levels go from 0 to 60 in about 4.56 seconds flat, and prayers go out to anyone separating me from my down-engrossed cloud of slumber (aka my bed).
So you can imagine what happens when the big guy wants to get frisky after the brick has hit. On one hand, the reasons to "give in" are countless (his sexy ass turns me on, him wanting me makes me feel adored and secure, hooray orgasm, and duh sex is so important to intimacy and closeness).
But on the other hand, DEAR BABY JESUS PLEASE JUST LET ME SLEEP!!!
Here's the thing - I feel so incredibly guilty when I give a hard no. The thought of my favorite guy feeling rejected breaks my heart. But I also feel a bit resentful when I acquiesce (and resentment leads to contempt, which relationship guru John Gottman calls, "the sulfuric acid of love"- don't fret, I'll write more about Gottman and his kickass advice in a later post). Why didn't he make a move during the last TWO HOURS when we were cuddling on the couch watching reruns of "The Sopranos"? Why doesn't he wake up early with me so we can get it on before work? I always feel like there's no right answer, no solution, no win-win, and that leaves me (and him, I imagine) feeling incredibly helpless.
In doing some anecdotal research with my girlfriends (over wine and guac, duh), it seems as though I wasn't alone in this quandary. While our own individual "sexual invitation windows" were all over the board (I believe one direct quote was, "he literally has 30 seconds after we get into bed or he's out of luck"), it seems as though this was a common theme among the romantic couples I know.
OK, great. We're not alone. But what's the solution?
As of right now, communication and compromise is the best that I've been able to come up with. I've told the big guy that he's got a perpetual green light between the hours of 2am-4am. It gives me the opportunity to give in to my relentlessly heavy eyelids for a bit, and then STILL have time to roll over and sleep post-coitus before I have to wake for the day. Isn't that like, the BEST feeling? However, I know some of my ladies would be mortified at the idea of being awoken from their slumber, so again, COMMUNICATION is key. PLEASE DON'T JUST ASSUME AFTER READING THIS THAT IT'S OK TO WAKE YOUR GIRL UP AT 2AM FOR NOOKIE!!!! I take sleep very seriously, people!
But let's not forget that compromise piece, either. Sexual desire isn't as spontaneous for us gals as it is for boys (read: sometimes we're not super turned on at first, but once we start kissupandrubupandfeelup-ing, we're ready to go!), so deciding to go for it even if you're not 100% into it at the moment every now and then might be worth the sleep you'll lose that night. And hey, maybe it's the perfect time for a quickie?
Anyone have better advice here? What works for you guys?