my 3 secrets for an incredible blowjob

3 secrets better blowjobs

now you can lick it, you can sip it, you can taste it

If you've been following me for a bit, you may know that I have a bit of a sordid history with what the fancypants folks call, fellatio - aka blowjobs.  To catch you up, I vividly remember being about 13 or 14 years old and vehemently declaring to the WORLD (or you know, my closest girl homies) that I would never, ever, in my whole entire life, give someone a blowjob!

except, of course, LL Cool J 💕

It was my proclamation.  And of course, as I'm sure you all can empathize, I definitely had it all figured out.  Strutting through middle school in my FUBU sweatpants (because LL endorsed FUBU, obviously - and I can prove it because I still have the commercial recorded on VHS somewhere...what's WRONG with me?) and ponytail slicked back with WAY too much gell.  I knew it all!

Until, of course, I fell in love.  Puppy love, mind you!  I can identify it as just that now, but back then I was head over heels, and willing to do just about whatever it took to please my boo.  It felt like a lifetime later (one or two years, tops) and my earlier life perspective was strewn away with my new wisdom and experience.  Silly anti-blowjob Colby (that foolish youngster!) didn't understand what it took to be a good girlfriend.  She didn't know what it was like to LONG to please the person who made you feel all warm and fuzzy and full of butterflies inside.  

What didn't (or did?) help was that I had a wonderful friend who lived on my street who was a year (slash lifetime!) older than me and was a blowjob advocate.  You guys - I'm not exaggerating here.  She went to the local catholic school and would LITERALLY say that her two favorite things were to go to church and suck dick.  I actually think she might still be my personal hero for that.  

So, one warm day - I think it was early spring, when you could smell the warmth in the air and everyone was in SUCH a good mood to see the sun after a season of grayness - I walked down the street to her house, upstairs into her room, and said, "I need you to teach me how to give head."

I wish I had a picture of the joy on her face, just to show you guys

If I remember correctly, she went into the kitchen to grab something edible (popsicle?  a pickle maybe?), came back in, closed the door, and went into full on instruction-mode - complete with demonstrations - without batting an eye.  It's almost like she had taught "blowjobs 101"7 before.  I'm sad to admit that people make a living out of doing this as responsible adults and that she never found her way into that industry. 

(Here's the kicker - some of my most well-received beej techniques that I use TO THIS DAY are ones that I learned in that bedroom as a 15-ish year old.  From a 16-ish year old.  Crazy, right?)

OK, so now that I had a strategy, a game-plan, I knew at least SOMETHING to do when I came face-to-penis, I felt a little more confident.  For example, I knew that I could grab the dick in one hand and put my mouth on it like I would a banana.  I knew to cover my teeth with my lips. I knew what to expect when he came in my mouth.  I remember the information - even without practical experience - lessened my uncertainty and therefore made me less anxious (HELLO THIS IS WHY WE NEED MORE COMPREHENSIVE SEX ED BUT I'LL SAVE THAT RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY...  or you know, everyday).

Fast forward to next sexy encounter with my bf, characterized by what had become for us typical make-out activities.  I remember looking at his naked penis and thinking, "it's now or never, bitch" (ok so I don't know if I referred to myself all female-empowered and taking back ownership of misogynist language back then, but you get the idea).  THE SINGLE MOST ANXIOUS MOMENT FOR ME was putting.  MY mouth.  ON the penis.  Ah!  My mouth on a penis!  Weird weird weird!  

But you guys, once I did it, it was like... TOTALLY OK!  Not nearly as bad as I thought (for some reason I envisioned it being squishier?  Slimy?  And moving around more?  Like an oyster or a leech or something that was going to squirm around in my mouth).  

Not only was it not awful, but I actually enjoyed it.  Like, reeeeeeeally enjoyed it.  

And it's been a love affair ever since!  I know a lot of people who enjoy being a blowie giver report enjoying the power, the feeling of being in control.  I don't know if that's it for me.  I don't know how to accurately describe it, but I think I feel sexiest when I have a cock in my mouth.  Is that awful?  (NO, IT'S NOT AWFUL!)  It allows me to be creative, thinking of new and exciting ways to please whoever is attached to the penis.  It also challenges me to be incredibly aware, paying attention to lots of body language and cues and feedback from the recipient.  How is their breathing changing?  Their skin flush and the muscle tone in their abs and thighs? What is the consistency and texture of the penis when I swirl my tongue like this or use my fingers like that?  What about the testicles?  What are they up to?

better blowjob secrets

There is also a sometimes-intimidating-but-possibly-really-empowering performance aspect of it.  Did you read about my hair flip?  I def use it during BJs as well.  And I never, NEVER give head with my hair tied up or back.  ALWAYS down, I need it.  (If my partner takes both of his hands on the sides of my head and pulls it out of my mouth's way for me - YO I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ANYMORE I'M SO TURNED ON!!!!) My boob job has really changed the game for me too, because now I can use the girls in the mix.  To me, blowjobs are poetic.  Theatrical.  Just like in a literary story, there's the exposition (where is the BJ gonna take place, is it going to be hot and hurried or slow and methodical?), the rising action is like the excitement phase of sexual response, there's a climax - I don't think I have to explain that (and sometimes there's an almost climax and then back to rising action - this is often referred to as edging) - and then resolution.  

Now that I'm thinking about it, I will henceforth refer to myself as a "blowjob artist."

And I know, I knowwwwwww not everyone shares this love affair of having genitals in your mouth with me.  So, without further adieu, for those of you who enjoy a healthy face fuck or who have yet to give it a whirl and for anyone in between, I'm going to let you in on 3 of my best secrets for mastering the BJ.

Note: the tips below are NOT about specific tongue-twirling techniques like you normally see in fellatio advice, but rather overall blowjob guiding values and principles.  If you would like personalized coaching on your blowie skills, hit me up here.  

1. the wetter the better

Spit, saliva (even the thicker stuff that comes from the back of your throat - it might sound gross but that's blowjob gold right there!), lube, water, coconut oil.... whatever you can do to slop up the situation will enhance the experience for the receiver.  As someone who does not have a penis (at least not one that is anatomically attached to my body), I'm obviously going on anecdotal experience and feedback from fellatio recipients here, but the more moister the experience the less of a chance there is for discomfort from friction (the penis is sensitive, after all and has thin skin that can irritate easily).  

I'ma be real with you guys here, sometimes my mouth doesn't lubricate itself enough to create a really smooth, slick environment between my tongue and the inside of my mouth and the dick - especially when I take allergy medication or have had a couple too many glasses of wine.  There are two things I might try in this situation: (1) take a sip of water (warm is ideal!) - sometimes that can stimulate salivation and I'm good to go (2) reach for the lube - something edible obviously - coconut oil and this flavored water-based lube (mmMmMMm pink lemonade) are my favorite.  I make sure I always have something on hand that tastes good AND stays slick. 

Take comfort in knowing that a blowjob won't ever be TOO wet.  You can never have too much, but can certainly have too little lubrication, so err on the side of overdoing it.  

2. fake it til you make it

Enthusiasm - even feigned - can go a long way in increasing the enjoyment of the experience for the blowjob receiver... and the blowjob giver!  Remember how I said a part of blowjobbing is the performance?  Well my friend, no one wants to see someone begrudgingly swallowing their cock.  OK, well, maybe in certain role playing scenarios or in a icky not-super consensual arrangement, but that's not what we're going for here.  So, even if blow jays aren't your favorite thing to do, but your lover went down on your for 45 minutes straight and you know it's only right to return the favor, put a smile on your face, a dick in your mouth, and act like you wanna be there.  

(Shhhh....here's a secret - the more into it you are, the hotter it's gonna be for the receiver, and therefore hopefully be "completed" quicker.  So suck it up!  Literally and figuratively)

Bonus tip!  I like to engage in a mental dialogue with the penis to really focus the dicksucking practice and to pass the time. Typically it's a supportive dialogue (ex. "yea that feels good, doesn't it?  you know you wanna cum!"), sometimes gets a little more aggressive ("fuck my face! fuck my face! fuck my face!  fuck my face!"), and all too frequently transitions into rap lyrics ("let me show ya, what I'm all about, how I make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth" a la Lil' Kim). 

3. pay attention

I made mention above about how the awareness of feedback from my blowee is something that motivates my work.  To be a good lover, no matter what the sex act, being both aware AND responsive to feedback from your partner(s) - be it verbal or nonverbal, words or sounds, body language or fluctuation in their physicality - is critical.  Communication is a constant feedback loop, and to be an all-star sexual communicator it is important to both give AND receive feedback cues and to consider that information as you continue.  So pay attention to their intentional and visceral reactions to different strokes, tempos, pressures, and sensations to know what is working really well and what they aren't responding to as intensely.  When you do something that gets positive feedback (typically moans, heavier breathing, twitching and stronger erection - but it depends on your lover so make sure you know what THEIR cues are), you know you've got a strategy that works.  Seeing less of a response?  Try something else. 

To all my other blowjob rockstars out there - what are some other gold star advice tidbits that you all have? 

 

PS For the record, my blowjob-advocate friend did get me to attend church more that year than probably any other time in my life.  

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