#askthesexpert: how to have multiple lady orgasms
"while I know it's normal that not every woman can have multiple orgasms during intercourse, I'd like to be able to have more than one. usually after one, I become too sensitive and sometimes too fatigued and even if that isn't the case I usually just can't get there again. what are some things I can do alone and or with my partner to have a second orgasm? also, any tips as to how to talk about this with my partner as I usually just wind up faking the second to get them to stop and give me a chance to redirect the attention back to them."
I actually am kind of obsessed with the way you wrote this out. "while I know it's normal that not every woman can have multiple orgasms...I'd like to be able to have more than one." ME TOO, BOO! All the orgasms!
But we know that each woman experiences orgasm very differently. If you look at the Female Sexual Response Model developed by two of the most badass sex research pioneers Masters & Johnson (you may have heard about them via the TV series "Masters of Sex" on Showtime), it reflects that different women may experience the process of sexual response differently, and that any individual woman may experience this cycle differently on different occasions.
I should mention that Masters & Johnson were focused on the physiological sexual response when conducting their research - the changes in the body that occur as someone experiences sexual pleasure. This model does not take into account emotional, psychological, spiritual, etc. responses.
Each of the different lines demonstrates how at any given time a woman may experience sexual response. Before we get into the differences, let me describe each of the phases:
- EXCITEMENT: this is when blood starts flowing to the genital bits and the nerves in that area begin to feel more sensitive. Lubrication may start to occur around the vulva and inside the vagina. Breathing may quicken, nipples may get hard.
- PLATEAU: the physiological responses that occur in the excitement stage stay "ready," and may build in intensity during this stage, creating a sensation of tension in the body. The clitoral hood, which typically shields the clitoris from stimulation, may retract exposing more of the clitoris.
- ORGASM: the stimulation may intensify so much that a climax of pleasure is reached and the tension is released, often accompanied by muscle contractions in the genitals and potentially all over the body.
- RESOLUTION: the muscles that were previously tense begin to relax, the clitoris goes back under its hood, blood flow decreases from the genitals, the production of lubrication reduces, and eventually lessens. Say ahhhhhhhhh.
There have been several important revisions to this model since Masters & Johnson first developed it, but this is a solid jumping off point for discussing female orgasm. If it's something that you guys would be interested in, I would love to discuss more in another blog post.
Anywho, because there is so much variation from woman to woman and orgasm to orgasm in how the body reacts to simulation and pleasure, it's hard to provide a cookie cutter response on a strategy that would definitely work for everyone when it comes to having multiple orgasms. But since our reader mentioned feeling super sensitive immediately post-orgasm, let's see if we can't brainstorm SOME ideas here....
I'm not surprised you're experiencing sensitivity. After all, the clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings.
YUP! YOU READ THAT RIGHT! the clitoris has EIGHT THOUSAND nerve endings. fuck. yes.
This is more than a penis (sucks to be you, penis owners! I jest, I jest...), and is the single most concentrated area of nerve endings on the whole entire body. No wonder it's so sensitive!
My most basic advice would be to attempt multiple orgasms while masturbating before attempting it with your partner. This way, you can try different strategies - hands only with circular or tapping motion, toys with strong vibration vs. weak vibration, tinier or wider areas of vibration, soft toys, hard toys, suction toys, oscillating toys, pressure rather than vibration, penetrative toys, anal toys, etc. etc. etc.
yes. I just said your homework was to masturbate a lot :)
And while you're trying to "push through" the sensitivity to get back to a place of pleasure and comfort, I recommend focusing on deep breathing and even making noise. Increased oxygen in the blood alerts our brain to release stress and pain relief endorphins, which may help to ease some of that discomfort. Keep in mind that subsequent orgasms can be very different than the first orgasm, so it might take a different technique and may also feel differently than the first. Some women report that if they are able to orgasm multiple times, they are sometimes less intense than when they experience a single orgasm.
For example, when speaking with my luvah I have previously described it as a kind of accounting system. If the first orgasm I have depletes all my funds, my chances of having another one are close to nonexistent. If my first orgasm only used $50 outta my $100 orgasm allowance, there's a better chance that a second one will happen during that sexy session. So, maybe some advice for you is to try to make your first one less intense? That may minimize how much your clitoris has to "bounce back" so to say?
My last thought is - per usual - not to focus on the goal of multiple orgasms so much that you (this is for your partner too!) lose sight of the pleasure, the good feels, being present in the moment with someone you dig. When we stress out about achieving a certain sexual goal or milestone, we can sometimes get into our own head so much that it just doesn't ever happen.
Oh! Also! (OK, maybe my "last thought" wasn't actually my last thought) You've gotta come clean with your partner that the second orgasm hasn't been happening for you. I know, I KNOW! Uncomfortable talk. I'm sure you don't want them to feel bad that they haven't been getting you off that second time. But, I'm also guessing that you care about them enough to let them have all the info, right? If they care about you (which wanting you to experience the pleasure of several orgasms would likely indicate that they do), they'll want to be working from a place of truth. Emphasize that your joint sex life is important to you (as it clearly is), which is why you want to be honest. Genuinely tell them how much you appreciate their focus on your pleasure - and talk about all the OTHER things (besides immediate post-orgasm clitoral stimulation) that they do that make you feel all the good fuzzies.
Best of luck on your multiple orgasm journey, my dear! Keep SL&ATF posted on your progress! And as always, if you want deeper guidance, sex coaching is available as well. Happy orgasming!