manifesting pleasure in 2018
I (kind of shamefully) remember last year being the first time I realized that most New Year's Resolutions were largely absent of any sex or relationship goals.
When we think of the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions - weight loss, saving money, exercising more, maybe getting out of debt or resolving to focus more on one's health - we don't tend to immediately think of, "having more orgasms" or "prioritizing my romantic relationship" as worthwhile resolutions.
Hopefully, I'm going to change that.
And I get it, some people aren't into the whole "resolution thing" anyways... and I totes understand. After all, research shows (btw, this admittedly isn't the gold-standard, double-blind, latitudinal, validated and generalizable type of studies I typically rely on, but it's something!) that only about 12 or so % of resolutions are kept throughout the year. Not super promising! Does that mean resolutions are a waste of time?
I still don't think so.
Regardless of the "data," boiled down, resolutions create a sense of hopefulness! They give us an idea of what in our world can change in order to increase our quality of life. I'm down with that! So even if you're pessimistic about resolutions, or haven't had much success keeping them in the past, I'm going to encourage you to give it another go.
why make sexy resolutions
Unlike making goals or intentions whenever the feeling strikes you, the new year offers a symbolic fresh start, a blank slate. Our mindset literally shifts during the new year season, and we're able to look forward to the future with hope and optimism that other times of the year don't allow.
It is also a time where we're almost intrinsically obliged to review the past year, assess where we are in our lives, and take stock of where we can improve! While we can do this at other times - every month or on Mondays at the start of a fresh week - doing this on an annual basis gives us a substantial amount of time to REALLY make significant changes that we are often just unable to make over only a few days or weeks. Yet, it's still short enough of a time to feel recent and tangible in our memory.
Isn't relativity the WEIRDEST thing? I don't know about you, but for me, a year ago seems both super long ago and like it was last week. Woof.
And let's be real honest with ourselves for a minute here... when it comes to personal (or professional, relational, etc.) growth, it doesn't happen without overcoming some sort of challenge or obstacle. It's what makes us strong! Resolutions are essentially personal challenges - something we have not yet achieved (cuz like, you don't see marathon runners resolving to run a 5K, right?). Finding success in the face of these challenges allows us to continue to evolve.
Lastly, even though many resolutions go unfulfilled, setting them still increases the chances that you will meet that goal - by TEN TIMES!
some ideas for sexolutions....
So what might be some helpful sex & relationship resolutions to make? What things can you focus on in 2018 to have the sexiest, most pleasure-filled year yet? I've got some ideas below, and talk about my top 3 in this video:
1. make time for sex
Sexytime - with yourself or a lover (or several lovers!) - has so so many benefits, from decreased stress to increased emotional connection. Make it a priority, not an afterthought. Schedule time for sex in your calendar, if you have to. You deserve to feel pleasure and sexually express yourself.
2. try something new
Trying new things - whether it be something wild and crazy or just like, doing it in the morning instead of at night - not only keeps your sex life spicy (which leads to you being more excited about and satisfied by it), but it also increases your sense of mastery and accomplishment... which makes you more likely to try new things - in and out of the bedroom - in the future!
3. treat yo'self
Indulge a little, my friend. Again - you deserve it. Pleasure is important. Be a little selfish and love yourself as vehemently as you do others. Maybe you do YOU for an entire day (I promise, the world won't fall apart while you're retreating), or splurge on a fancy new toy you've been eyeing... splurge a little on yourself.
Experience pleasure without pressure! Don't worry about anyone else feeling good but YOU, boo! Masturbation is also a helpful way to explore your own body, feel more sexually confident, and try new things.
5. create the best context for sex
I stole this one from my girl Kait over at passionbykait.com because it was just SO GOOD: "For most people, that means low stress, high trust and high affection. What parts of your life and relationship need to be brought on board so that when you go to have sex you can fully receive & enjoy it? Take stock – reflect back on your favorite sexual experiences and see what they had in common - what happened during, before and after? How did you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship? What else was going on? What wasn't there? Use that to inform where you can start making changes. Perhaps it's small like a rule to touch whenever you're on the couch together or taking a 10-minute walk at lunch. Or maybe it means quitting your job to follow your passion. Figure out one baby step you can take right now and go for it!"
6. ask for what you want
Oprah recently said, "speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have" - and she ain't wrong! (But like also, is she ever?) It is high time we all stop feeling shame for what makes us feel good. Speak up! I'm not guaranteeing you'll get it just because you ask for it - because, you know, boundaries and consent and ish - but you DEFINITELY won't get it if you DON'T request it. Nah mean?
7. use more lube
Y'all. I'm not even gonna elaborate here. Just do it. Use lube for everything.
8. be more present
Unplug. Savor the moment. Appreciate the little things. I recently blogged about my favorite part of the day and how it takes less than 10 minutes. It's so fulfilling because even though it's a not a grand act or gesture, it's intimate and connected.
make those resolutions happen!
Some tippity tricks to increase the chances that you'll actually be able to follow through with your resolutions...
- Limit yourself to a few things to focus on, rather than making a 20 page laundry list of things you want to work on. Having too many will just about guarantee that you won't be able to accomplish them all, which can lead you to feeling like a failure. Plus, how overwhelming! Pick a handful of priorities at most... you can always pick others next year!
- Be honest with yourself about where you are now. This sometimes means admitting deficiencies, which can feel icky at first. But unless you are able to realistically assess your status quo, you won't be able to realistically develop a goal!
- Make your resolutions specific and focused so that you know exactly what to do to get there. For example, instead of saying, "I'm going to masturbate more," consider making it a goal to masturbate once every week.
- Tell other people about your resolutions! I realize you might not feel comfortable posting, "TRY ANAL" on your Facebook wall, but if there's someone in your life you're comfortable sharing your resolution with, share it! (and if there isn't, you can always slide into my DMs and share it with me!) You're more likely to follow through if someone else knows about your intention.
I want to hear from you - what is one sexolutions you’re going to set for yourself this year? One way you’re going to experience more pleasure in 2018? Share in the comments!
Yo I'm so pumped for 2018 to be ALL OF OUR most pleasurable year yet. Let's regroup next Jan to see how far we've come!