how I became a sex expert - and how you can too
ya mad cuz my style you’re admiring; don't be mad, UPS is hirin'
Be forewarned, you guys - I may TMI you in this post.
I want to tell you about the first time I masturbated.
(COVER YOUR EYES, MA!)
If I remember completely correctly, I was about 16 or 17 years old. I was definitely in high school, and had been sexually active with maybe one or two partners. While I had experienced orgasm - mostly (if not solely) through dry humping rather than any kind of penetration) - I didn't recognize it as being an orgasm. I remember it feeling good - kind of fluttery - but just not feeling the way the concept of orgasm had been described by others.
One of my girlfriends had gotten her hands on this book (I believe she borrowed it from an older friend of hers), and a small group of us would giggle over the content, we were all excited to read it from cover to cover.
I remember going on my own to the bookstore at the local college (extremely liberal college so I was hopeful that they would have it - it was well before the days of online shopping!) and feigning confidence when bringing it up to the cashier.
I assume that I hid the book from my mom. I mean, she didn't know I was having sex yet, but I think it was more embarrassment than shame that made me less comfortable putting the book right on my nightstand.
"I wanted to feel confident and competent, like I knew what I was doing. I wanted to minimize the uncertainty of sex."
Looking back all these years later, I'm not sure if I thought I would get in trouble for having it? Like, as a "kid" I shouldn't be concerned with having HOT sex, I should only be concerned about having SAFE sex. And even though precaution was included, that was not the main focus of this book.
This book symbolized me wanting to be empowered in the bedroom. I wanted to feel confident and competent, like I knew what I was doing. I didn't want to feel inexperienced and without skill. I wanted to minimize the uncertainty of sex. And to be completely honest, I probably wanted to be able to please a partner... not necessarily myself.
While I still own this book, I don't remember all of the contents of it, but I do remember there being a section focused solely on masturbation. I can't remember now if I had previously considered intentional masturbation (aside from knowing - from childhood - that touching my labia felt good), but whatever the book said convinced me to give it a try.
The book was helpful for a couple of reasons.
One was that it gave me practical strategies to use to LEARN how to masturbate - touch yourself like this, maybe using your hands like that will feel good, do this with your fingers, etc.
The other was that it described what I can expect from masturbation and orgasm. I distinctly remember the book describing potentially feeling a "throbbing sensation" post-orgasm that I noticed - and therefore finally recognized that the fluttery sensation I was feeling sometimes was an orgasm! HOORAY! I was orgasming!
I also think it was through reading that book that I learned that the more you practice having an orgasm - just like with almost everything else - the easier it is to HAVE an orgasm. so like, duh, it made total sense for me to practice orgasming through masturbation because, duh, it felt really good and why would I not want to feel good?
Like I encourage just about everyone (and especially vulva having everyones) to do, masturbation can help you learn what feels good for YOU - which is different than what feels good for them or him or her or those people over there - and thereby allows you to tell your partner(s) what feels good.
Knowing how my own vulva experiences pleasure has allowed me to communicate with my lovers - either verbally or through body language (putting my hand on top of theirs to demonstrate how I want to be touched, thrusting my pelvis forward when my vulva desires more pressure, moaning with delight when they're doing it "right") - about my needs and desires for pleasure.
I also know that I don't need anyone else around for an orgasm, because I've become damn good at giving them to myself. That, my friends, is a wonderfully liberating feeling.
My point in telling you this story is to demonstrate that what makes someone an "expert in the bedroom" is not luck or promiscuity. Just like becoming an expert at anything else, it's the willingness to learn and the resources to learn from.
By now, I've read more than just that one book on how to have great sex. I've read dozens - maybe even hundreds. I've attended conferences, trainings and workshops; learned from some of the leading sex and relationship experts in the industry.
I want to be able to share the knowledge that I've acquired - and that I've been able to apply directly to my own sex life - with you.
If you're reading this blog, you've already demonstrated a willingness to learn about ways to improve your sex life and relationships. Hopefully you're finding value in the content, and able to take the little nuggets you've learned back into your personal experience in a way that makes your sex life more joyful - more satisfying.
If you're looking to really kick your sex life into high gear, I highly recommend taking the plunge into my 6 Weeks Til Your Most Satisfying Sex Life eCourse. With self-reflection exercises, a workbook, video instruction (from yours truly) and a supportive cohort of other students, it's truly a transformative experience.
So see? Being a sex superstar is easier than you think!