Poems Can Blossom Truth Within Our Hearts

Good morning, good morning.

Outside, it’s traffic and crickets. I’m waiting to hear whether the owl will be back this morning - she was here on Friday, and instead of writing a post I got distracted by her. 

Well, by her and some old morning writes. I went looking for what I was saying here--to myself, to you--five years ago, or seven. That’s one thing about regular journaling--getting to look back, see what you were saying before, what you felt like before, what you’re struggling with that’s the same  and what is new — you get to see how far you’ve come. 

In my case, I got to look back on a relationship that felt unfixable at the time I was writing, one that felt like kudzu or like I was in the ocean at a rising tide stuck in seaweed. I spent so many years trying to communicate with someone who literally could not understand the things I was saying — and, let’s be honest, in the converse, I also couldn’t, it seems, understand the things he was saying. I could never quite understand what he wanted. And I kept trying, kept getting smaller, tightening myself up until I was knotted into a ball at the bottom of a bookbag, just a sticky thing with dust and hair and old gum wrappers stuck all over me. 

And then I got the idea that maybe , that maybe, I didn’t have to stay there. Maybe my job wasn’t to stay in this relationship until the end of my (or his) life. Maybe I didn’t have to walk a hundred miles on my knees, repenting. I only had to let the soft animal of my body love what it loved. And then poetry started to sneak in to the sides and corners and crevices of my skin, my psyche, touched the parched places inside me, the places that told me I had to stay, I had to keep working, I had to keep trying to be the right thing for this person. 

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lemme teach you how to speak the language of LOVE

Y'all, in case you aren't aware, I consider myself to be #wifeygoals.

And this may come as a surprise, but tbh I used to (ok, maybe still do, a little bit) aspire to be a housewife.  Yes, yes, I've been a graduate student for like one million trillion years, which may sound silly for someone who ultimately wanted that MRS degree.  Because, like, contingency plans, my peoples!  

But seriously, I can't tell you the joy I get from like, grocery shopping.  Or doing dishes!  I like, LOVE chores, and would do them all day long if I had the time.  I'm that weirdo who'd love to organize kitchen pantry, whip up homemade muffins on the reg, and essentially keep my casa Pinterest-worthy at all times.

Basically, I'm domestical as fuck.

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why I celebrate ALL love [not just my boo] on Valentine's Day

Whether you like it or not, it's coming.

(haha, I said "coming" 😜)

While I have absolutely zero actual science backing me up here, I will purely anecdotally claim that Valentine's Day stirs up more polarizing feelings than any other widely celebrated holiday.

On one hand, you have folks that soak up the bullshit (did I say that?) expectations and performance desire on celebrating in the socially presumed way: flowers, candy, candles, cards, romantic dinners, champagne (BUT I LOVE CHAMPS ANYWAYS!), etc.  

On the other hand, you've got the Valentine cynics.  The folks who boycott the "Hallmark holiday" and rant about how it's just a way for capitalism to rear it's ugly head and get the peeps to spend spend spend.  After all, you shouldn't need a holiday to demonstrate your love to your love, right?

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Colby Marie ZComment
manifesting pleasure in 2018

I (kind of shamefully) remember last year being the first time I realized that most New Year's Resolutions were largely absent of any sex or relationship goals.

When we think of the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions - weight loss, saving money, exercising more, maybe getting out of debt or resolving to focus more on one's health - we don't tend to immediately think of, "having more orgasms" or "prioritizing my romantic relationship" as worthwhile resolutions.

Hopefully, I'm going to change that.

And I get it, some people aren't into the whole "resolution thing" anyways... and I totes understand.  After all, research shows (btw, this admittedly isn't the gold-standard, double-blind, latitudinal, validated and generalizable type of studies I typically rely on, but it's something!) that only about 12 or so % of resolutions are kept throughout the year.  Not super promising!  Does that mean resolutions are a waste of time? 

I still don't think so.

Regardless of the "data," boiled down, resolutions create a sense of hopefulness!  They give us an idea of what in our world can change in order to increase our quality of life.  I'm down with that!  So even if you're pessimistic about resolutions, or haven't had much success keeping them in the past, I'm going to encourage you to give it another go.

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fertility, pregnancy, conception...oh my!

I'm at the age where pregnancy is starting to feel borderline contagious... several of my favorite "inner circle" ladies are popping out adorable little nuggets of joy, baby showers are a typical weekend activity, and "Auntie Colby" has become one of my identities.  

Someone is always pregnant, LOL!

And with that, I feel like I am often surrounded by "pregnancy talk" -- gender reveals, fertility tracking apps, ovulation, due dates, and birthing plans are all hot topics of conversation in my world.  

For the most part, it's a happy time for my homies.  Joyful conversations full of hope and excitement.  

Less talked about, however -- although also incredibly present -- are friends (and friends of friends) who have or are currently struggling with what I like to call FERTILITY FRUSTRATION... difficulty conceiving, miscarriage, ovulation obsession, etc.  

 

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